This week has been strange. I’ve definitely noticed a change in my emotions for the first time. I’m not crying every day – maybe a tear or two when I am reminded of something specific, but generally keeping it together.
I’ve been out and about just me and Tadhg and although I’ve hidden from people in Tesco as I didn’t want to face them, I’ve been ok. I’ve realised I can do this. It hurts every day and I’m sad every day and I miss Elva every day but I am doing this. I’m getting on with the things I have to without being an emotional wreck. Of course, it is all buried deep down and I am in no way healed but I definitely feel different.
I addressed an issue with a friend that had bothered me and realised once I had spoken to them about it, it actually wasn’t as important as I thought it was. I was holding so much built up resentment towards them that just lifted by speaking to them. I got some perspective.
We are tentatively making future plans; we are going on holiday in two weeks. We always said we would take the children to Lapland when they were old enough to visit Father Christmas. We love Christmas and make a big deal of it every year so this year will be very difficult. We know we won’t enjoy it how we used to anymore. I guess that’s part of the reason for going away – to do something different. We didn’t want to look back and wish we’d gone and have missed the chance. A completely negative outlook which is so unlike us but we are now in the mind set of making the most of every moment. We are doing it for Tadhg. Seeing his face as he sees snow (for the first time thanks to some mild winters and us being away the one time it actually did snow!) and his face when he meets Santa is going to be unforgettable. I am truly excited for him and I never thought I could look forward to anything again.
We are also considering moving house. It will be a big deal but we wanted to do it before Elva died and so we know it is not a knee jerk reaction to that. We will see how far we get and if we decide to actually go for it over the next month or so.
I’m not over what has happened and I never will be. But for the first time, I am feeling, in this moment, that things are a bit easier. My head still flits all over the place from time to time but it is more consistent. I still feel sad, anger, guilt, loss but I can cope with the feelings right now.
The picture above was taken in Scarborough in January. I was 8 months pregnant with Elva and it was freezing. We were at the start of 2016 with so much to look forward to. Kieran and Tadhg are walking down the prom and the day was crisp and clear. We also felt like our future was clear – how wrong we were. I am reminded of just the simple phrase ‘there are no guarantees’. I wish everyone in my life would remember this phrase more often. No, not just remember it, but live it and appreciate it.
We now face ending 2016 as it begun – freezing cold! I know I had the greatest summer of my life in the meantime and I am forever grateful – I just wish I could have 50 more summers.
Everyone who has been in my position has told me it gets easier and you learn to live with it but I never believed them. Now I am hopeful that it might be true.