I started writing this blog as a way of just getting my feelings out. I wasn’t writing for an audience and certainly wasn’t expecting anyone I actually knew to read my thoughts. It was just a way to spill out all the thoughts that go around my head all day. It was really helpful in getting things out and helped me to process what I was thinking.
I didn’t tell anyone I was writing it – not even Kieran. It was more about me and my feelings and also reaching out to others in the child loss community. As anyone who has been where I am knows, it feels so isolating and only those who have been here can truly relate to how it feels.
It made me feel better reading others’ stories and being able to relate to them so I wanted to do the same. SIDS is so rare now and so it is hard to find an outlet for the feelings of anger, guilt, sadness and regret.
I started an Instagram linked to this blog as a way of connecting with other loss parents. As Kieran will confirm, I am so terrible at technology that it never occurred to me that Instagram would push that profile to my friends and therefore link them back here.
When I realised that had happened, I felt panicked. I was not ready to share these thoughts with anyone I knew in real life. What I write is so raw and real and unfiltered that I knew it is sort of like my diary. The people who have connected with me so far are other people in my position but strangers. I was happy to have reached them. It felt different knowing that people I knew have read this too.
For now, I’ve made things private (I think!) as I am just not ready to expose myself and my feelings that much yet. It’s a shame as I wanted to make sure people who needed to read this could find it but I need to protect myself for now. One day, I think I will share this so that the people in my life can understand a little more but at the moment, it is too soon.