This month things have moved fast and in a way, I think that’s a good thing. I haven’t had too much time to sit around and analyse my decisions which has meant we’ve just done things. The most major thing we’ve done is buy a new house! (Not the house above, that’s Mrs Claus’ house in Lapland but it is the prettiest house ever!)
We had wanted to move for a while – long before Elva died. I wanted both her and Tadhg to have lovely big bedrooms they could play in. I always felt a bit guilty that Tadhg had a bigger room and Elva was in Kieran’s old office although we made it look beautiful for her.
I had a house come up on my alerts and as we had nothing else to do, we went to look at it. It felt really strange as it was our dream house and in any other circumstances we would be so excited. Sometimes I do genuinely feel excited about it and other times I just see a big house with empty rooms and it feels ridiculous. I know in 6 months time we would want to move but the house would be gone so I’m concentrating on looking forward and not focusing on where we are right now.
Part of me is glad to be moving and packing the whole house up. Elva’s room has become a strange place in our house. We barely go in there – Kieran not at all and me just to open the door and breathe in her smell every now and then. We haven’t moved a thing and it looks as if she could still be here. It would break my heart to carry on living in this house but pack her room away. It can’t ever be Kieran’s office again and so it would simply remain a dusty shrine that just upsets us both.
Moving means we have to pack her things away – which I am dreading. It actually makes me feel sick. But I know I’ll be packing everything else in my house away too and so it’s not like it’s just Elva that is being put in a box.
I’ll miss her beautiful room and her beautiful smell but I know that this house does not hold my memories. My memories are with me wherever I go. When we unpack Elva’s things in our new house, we will spread them throughout the house. Her special chair in a playroom, her flamingos in another room, her books in another. Her photos will be throughout the house. She won’t be cornered in one area that upsets us both but she will be everywhere we turn in a way that will one day make us smile.
We have to think of our future and of Tadhg’s. The move is what is right for us going forward and even though this house is just a house, it will still be hard. There are so many good memories that we have from the last 5 years but it is now time to go. It’s not a fresh start but just something different. We will miss Elva wherever we are in the world whether it’s in the house we all shared or our new house. She should be moving with us. I should be debating which room is hers and how to decorate it. I so wish I was doing that. But I’m not.