I’ve not written in a while as so much has been happening – Christmas, moving house, back to work, post mortem results and now Elva’s first birthday is looming over me.

I had intended to write about all those things as I know I’ve questioned how to deal with every one of them and so it might have been useful to read how others had coped. I just hadn’t got round to it.

And now I am writing, not because I think it is useful to talk about any of those major things, but just because right now I have never felt worse. I’ve gone back to square one and just feel this sense of utter devastation and loss like I might never recover.

Work was a distraction for a while, until it got too much. The new house was a distraction for a while, until I realised it doesn’t feel like home.

All I can think about is how I should be planning an over the top birthday party that would mean nothing to Elva. How I should be buying her a pram and a doll and new outfits. I’d be thinking up some ridiculous photo scenario with balloons and dresses and poor Elva would be in the middle of it all looking completely not bothered as she did so well.

I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts all over. My heart aches and races. I cuddle Tadhg way too tight like I am trying to cuddle them both. I remember so well the moments where they were both sat on my knee and I held on to them and pulled them in tight. I miss the two of them being together.

I just don’t know what I can do. There is nothing I can do to change it. Elva is not here anymore and that’s that. It’s so unfair and unbelievably hard. It’s been almost 5 months and everyone is moving on and seems to expect to see things getting better for us and it’s just not. I miss her more than ever.